Tag: witty

TBT, FBF, WBW, WTF.

September 4, 2014 • 32 Comments

Okay. Think of this as an intervention. Stop the madness, people.

Remember when someone came up with “Throw Back Thursday?” And everyone thought, “How fun! I want to post old pictures, too!” And all the little soldiers fell in line and started posting old pictures every Thursday.

Now this shit is just getting out of hand. Now we have “Flashback Friday” and “Way Back Wednesday,” too. WE GET IT. You like posting old pictures of yourself! I don’t blame you. I was younger, skinnier and apparently having more fun in the past as well, but that doesn’t justify inventing stupid names for every day of the week! (Whoever started “Man Crush Monday,” “Woman Crush Wednesday” and “Selfie Sunday” deserve a public flogging. Also, we should bring back public floggings. And “Selfie Sunday?” Really? I have a 20-year-old daughter. EVERY day is “selfie” day. Which is why I nicknamed my daughter Vanity Smurf.)

Here’s a thought. If you run across an old picture you are certain will delight the Facebook/Twitter/Instagram masses…post it! <GASP!> How can I possibly post an old picture if it isn’t a Wednesday, Thursday or Friday??? Figure it out, Rebel. Time to forge your own way in the world.

Welcome to “This Shit Has To Stop Thursday.”

How I Lost My Street Cred.

July 18, 2014 • 20 Comments

Just kidding. I never had any. I am 100% suburban white bread who is urban-impaired. This was a gift from one of my best friends a few years ago:

Which was funny, yes. Useful, no. Cause I know the words, but they sound ridiculous coming out of my mouth. But I do it anyway because it’s entertaining to my black, Mexican, middle-eastern and *native American friends who laugh **with me, not at me, when I say anything remotely “street.” And, yes, I felt ridiculous just saying “street.” I’ve got no game, I’m lacking in mad skills, and I straight fail on playin’ cool.

I can, however, quote The Family Guy with the best of them. That earns me no street cred, but my nerds feel what I’m puttin’ down. ***Word to your motha.

* Whatever. She’s blonde-haired and blue-eyed and thinks that her 25% Native American gives her more street cred than me. Dream on, Cupcake.

** I suspect at times they keep me around for comic relief…to laugh *with* me. My ass.

*** Apparently since “word” came about in the ’80’s and I am an 80’s child, I am allowed to use that one without repercussions.

Happy Birthday…And the Power of Christ Compels You.

July 8, 2014 • 16 Comments

This is a list of some of the gifts I received this weekend from my darling friends:

One bottle of wine
One bottle of champagne
TWO bottles of rye whiskey
One set of mason jar shot glasses
One “Do It Yourself Exorcism Kit”…since one of my friends who housesat for me has reported back that my house is definitely haunted

And this…because it’s weird and prickly like me and I was assured that the girly color was a reflection of the giver and not the receiver

My husband bought me a book and some superhero undies.

So, based on the gifts from those that know me best, I’m apparently a weird, nerdy, drunk with really funny friends (who, let’s be real, are basically a bunch of nerdy drunks, themselves).

iPod Confessional.

July 2, 2014 • 21 Comments

The top 5 most embarrassing things on my iPod. Because when I can’t think of anything clever to write, embarrassing usually does the trick.

5. The theme song from “The Greatest American Hero.” And, believe it or not, now you’re singing it in your head. You’re welcome.

4. The Hannah Montana soundtrack. Yes, originally I had little girls and had a valid excuse for having it on my iPod…but that doesn’t really explain why it’s still on there. When my girls are 15 and 20. And would rather clean the refrigerator than listen to it.

3. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the only one who ever thought that song was catchy. Just keep telling yourself that.

2. Both Sides Now by Judy Collins. Because I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, and I really don’t know clouds at all.

1. FIVE songs from that one musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Joss Whedon was apparently high and thought having the cast sing made perfect sense. So, yes, feel free to blame Joss (we’re on a first-name basis) for Glee…cause I’m pretty sure it started with Singing Buffy.

It should be noted that friends do not ask to borrow my iPod during parties. And my iPod typically will not win the vote when deciding what to listen to in the car. Oh well. My musical tastes are clearly just too evolved for the main stream.