So my dentist asked me yesterday to tell him about some cases I was working on…just whatever I could say without giving away too much. It was trickier than I thought because I’ve become so sickeningly cautious. My solution? I’m going to make shit up. Here is my very first installment of “The Fairy Tale Law Firm.” (Don’t steal that. Seriously. I’ll find you.)
Once upon a time, there was a glorious Kingdom called Can’tWeAllJustGetAlong. The beloved queen who ruled the land arose early one morning to the sound of birds singing. She went down to the courtyard and greeted her subjects. Then she climbed onto her gleaming white horse to go for a ride along the countryside. The drawbridge was lowered and the queen rode across it.
Once outside of the castle, the queen was approached by the king of the neighboring kingdom, We’reAllAssholes. The queen sighed. She dreaded interactions with the nasty little king, but she smiled kindly anyway.
“Queen EvenNicerThanJenniferAniston! Every time thouest lower thy drawbridge, it rests upon part of my kingdom! If thouest persist in opening thy drawbridge onto my land, I shall have my squires hack it to pieces!”
The queen was quite distraught and called for her barrister. “Lady Barrister, King MyMotherDidn’tHugMeEnough hast threatened to destroy our drawbridge, claiming that it lowers onto his kingdom. Why would he say such a thing?”
“Because he is a dick, Milady. But have no fear. We shall summon a squire who is wise in matters of land boundaries (and actually understands all that metes and bounds bullshit in property descriptions).”
The wise squire appeared and, after much investigation, reported to the queen that her drawbridge did not encroach on King MyMotherDidn’tHugMeEnough’s kingdom, but that his drawbridge actually lowered onto land within the boundary of Can’tWeAllJustGetAlong. (Karma’s a bitch, right?)
Queen EvenNicerThanJenniferAniston informed the king of the squire’s findings.
After much shouting, tantrum-throwing and name-calling, King MyMotherDidn’tHugMeEnough said, “it matters naught! My drawbridge has lowered onto that spot for 100 years! No one can make me move it!”
“But I would be within my rights to remove any portion which encroaches upon my kingdom, is that not true, Lady Barrister?”
“Aye, Milady.” (Note: this is a fairy tale. Generally all forms of self-help are discouraged by law enforcement and courts of law. Consult an attorney before cutting up your neighbor’s drawbridge.)
The queen then said to the king, “however, Milord, I have no intention of stooping to such measures and, if you and your subjects can try to stop being such assholes, I will consent to your drawbridge encroaching on our land.”
The king’s face turned red, he stomped his feet and said, “never! We’ll never stop being assholes!”
The queen sighed, smiled and said, “don’t piss me off or I’ll sue your ass.”