I Will Scare the Crap Out of Your Children For Only $2 Bucks an Hour.

Welcome to “Babysitting 101” with Erin. We’ll start with what not to do (since, as with most things, that’s my strong suit).

When I was 12, I babysat a lot. We lived in a vacation town and what vacationing parents aren’t dying to get away from their children?

One dark and stormy night (or one warm June evening) I went to babysit for a very nice couple (at their vacation cabin in the woods) who had an 8-year-old girl and a 10-year-old boy…and they each had a friend with them. So, do the math…I’ll wait. Yes. That’s four kids. Now – it wasn’t the number of kids so much as the balance of power thing…cause I was only a couple of years older than the boys which didn’t instill me with a tremendous amount of authority.

The evening started out fine…we played with those toys that were big cats that turned into robots Transformer style? (Totally aside the point – but they were awesome.) An hour or so in, things started to unravel and my little monsters realized they did not actually have to listen to me. At all. This realization degraded into the lot of them running out the front door into the woods…forcing me to find a flashlight and pursue the little bastards. Once I finally wrangled them back into the house, I was at my wit’s end…and I was only 12…my wit wasn’t very long to begin with.

So I told them a little story. (*Note: I do not condone this – but it was wildly effective and slightly hilarious in retrospect.) Let me preface this by saying, I am quite the actress…especially when pushed to desperation. I told them that I was a werewolf and had (regrettably) eaten the last children I babysat for. I described it something like this:

Werewolf Babysitter

Now, I know what you’re thinking…no way they’d fall for it, right? You underestimate me, my friend. I cried…actually cried…while telling them the story about how I lost my temper and turned into a werewolf…and awoke in the aftermath, covered in adolescent blood with mutilated corpses in the house. Well, within 5 minutes, I had four exceptionally obedient children in bed, none of them speaking above a whisper. I still remember the boy asking, “how are you feeling now? Do you think you’ll turn?” And me answering, somberly, “no…I’m feeling much calmer. I think it’ll be okay.”

I did come clean to the mom when she was driving me home that night. She was surprised but more amused than angry. And they did ask me to babysit again (unfortunately, after assuring the children that I was not a lycanthrope so that card could only be played once). And so began my lifelong love of terrorizing children.

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  26 comments for “I Will Scare the Crap Out of Your Children For Only $2 Bucks an Hour.

  1. September 10, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    What a riot. I don’t think people can do stuff like that these days without the parents going ballistic. But it’s always good when you can put your imagination to work for you in my opinion!

    • September 10, 2014 at 8:19 pm

      Desperate times call for desperate measures 😉 But you’re right – those parents were pretty cool about it.

  2. September 10, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    I played the villain in a high school play once that we put on for the elementary school kids. The next year was the easiest babysitting I ever did. The year after that I was a clown… the babysitting got harder.

    • September 10, 2014 at 8:42 pm

      hahahaha. I love that. Yeah – the next time I saw these kids the boy said, “I knew you were lying! I knew you didn’t turn into a werewolf!” Yeah kid, that’s why you nearly wet the bed 😉

  3. September 10, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    I don’t care what people say. Intellectual fear works.

    • September 10, 2014 at 9:19 pm

      Is there another kind? 😉

      • September 10, 2014 at 9:21 pm

        Physical? Emotional?

      • September 10, 2014 at 9:23 pm

        Isn’t fear always in your head? Like my fear of spiders? And panhandlers with nice shoes?

      • September 10, 2014 at 9:24 pm

        That last one is a fear?

      • September 10, 2014 at 9:31 pm

        Sure it is. In my head. Along with ants with things in their mouths, Enrique Iglesias fans, and mushrooms.

      • September 10, 2014 at 9:34 pm

        Shit, you are scary…

      • September 10, 2014 at 11:11 pm

        I am. And I need to correct an error…*Gabriel* Iglesias fans are scary. Enrique is the hot one. Carry on.

  4. September 10, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    I am doing the math using common core…hold on. Ok. got the answer…I guess you get what you pay for.

    • September 10, 2014 at 9:41 pm

      The only math that mattered was a 12-year-old babysitting a 10-year-old…that doesn’t work so well 😉

      • September 10, 2014 at 10:11 pm

        I know. I used common core to figure it out.

      • September 10, 2014 at 10:16 pm

        Which I went and found on your blog. Amen.

      • September 10, 2014 at 10:22 pm

        Hallelujah! If I can save just one….Nahhh. Save yourself from ants. But Boric acid works really well. I just realized I’m cross referencing posts. Boric acid also works well for were-wolfs.

  5. September 10, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Thank God I never had to babysit anyone ever, but if I had I think I’d have eventually been driven to terrorising them too. A pecking order needs to be established, dagnabbit! 😛

    • September 10, 2014 at 9:56 pm

      Exactly. And threatening to eat them seemed like a reasonable solution to my problem.

  6. September 11, 2014 at 3:51 am

    As the teen babysitter on the street, I told the kids that everyone has a Picker Pirate who lives in their nose – if you dig high enough, he bites off the tip of your finger. I became a legend, as did the Picker Pirate.

    • September 11, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      That’s awesome. Never upset any parents?

      • September 11, 2014 at 3:50 pm

        Nope. Not one.

  7. September 12, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    As a adult that would be a heinous thing to do but as a 12-year-old . . . . totally forgivable! Admirable even.

    • September 12, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      Yeah…as an adult it would be…awful. Of course. 😉

  8. November 28, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    The Queen is rather amused. Certainly. After that tale.
    “how are you feeling now? Do you think you’ll turn?” Absolute power. Sweet.

    • December 1, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      Absolute power that I thought was rather ingenious, but others did not approve of. Odd. 😉

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