Ok, Mac people – bear with me – this analogy will be short.
The year was 2007. We were all happily acclimated to our Windows XP operating system when, bam! Microsoft dropped Windows Vista on us and we collectively went, “Thanks for nothing, a-holes!”
Because Windows Vista was that shitty little upgrade nobody asked for.
It was buggy and slow and didn’t seem to make anything better. But Microsoft, in its infinite wisdom, said, “Tough shit. You’ll use it and you’ll like it.” (But it only lasted a couple years before Microsoft got tired of our bitching and came out with Windows 7 – but I’m not here to give you a primer on Microsoft operating systems.)
So, what’s my point?
Well, a couple of years ago I started this blog so that I could write silly posts about stupid things that I found amusing and thought maybe other people would find amusing, too. Then, almost two years ago, my mom, my rock, my BFF, died, suddenly, for no good reason because her heart (despite being healthy and barely 67 years old) went, “That’s it – I quit.” And just stopped.
And then this blog took a wicked hairpin turn and became a place where I wrote mostly about grief. (No, that isn’t the Windows Vista upgrade I’m talking about. Stay with me.) For those of you that have been following along, these last two years have been the roller coaster of a lifetime. And I would come here and talk about terrible, heartbreaking things (but marinate them in sarcasm, hoping to get a laugh here or there). But, regardless, I sort of took you along with me as I figured out my own post-apocalyptic world.
So, here’s my point.
When you lose a close parent or someone important, the general consensus is “You really won’t start feeling like yourself for a year.” Truly. Many people who had lost a parent said the same thing. A year.
Well, the first year came and went. And true, the grief ebbed and I was gradually less of a shit-show. But I kept waiting to feel like myself again. Now I’m approaching two years. And it hit me: There is no going back to the old me because she doesn’t exist anymore.
Cue the Windows Vista metaphor. I’ve been upgraded! Those bastards! I’ve been force-fed the system upgrade I never asked for and that certainly doesn’t seem like an improvement to the prior version. This version isn’t as happy, is slightly less compassionate, has a much narrower bandwidth for bullshit, and crashes regularly around birthdays and holidays. The only possible upside is that this version is proven to be wicked resilient and excels at letting shit go (because they apparently narrowed the “Bullshit Meter” but expanded the “Fuck It Meter“).
So, since I had shared the rest of this Mr.-Toad’s-Wild-Ride-esque journey with you, I figured I would share this revelation as well. If you’ve lost your person, don’t keep waiting to feel like yourself again, because you’ll be waiting a really long time. Just start looking for positives in the system upgrade (that you didn’t want or need) and hopefully you’ll find an improvement or two that will make the You 2.0 version worthwhile.
And to those that know me who preferred the Windows XP version? We apologize for the inconvenience, but that version is no longer supported.
Erin Lyon 
“Upgrade you don’t want” is a perfect analogy, and for the shit that happens in life in general. I, for one, am honored that you have allowed us to take this journey with you.
Debbie
🙂 ❤
Very perceptive, Erin.
I get it from my aunt 😉
Losing a body part or former aspect of appearance/health has a similar impact on the psyche. You may lower your standards or just care less about what happens because your shiny, new former self lost its polish.
I suppose the same might have been said about me and my toys had I damaged enough of them. I might have played with more and tossed them or left them to rot when they became marred. Instead, I played with few, patched the ones that became damaged and, as an adult, started keeping them in package to preserve their minty charms. It just takes one natural disaster to change all of that.
If I can get on a spiritual level, I think often of that story about the man entering Heaven through the “eye of the needle,” giving up everything before he can pass through the gates. I had a moment like that a lil over a year ago. One of my many near-death experiences. I thought I was dead. And, acknowledging such, I processed my “forfeit papers,” giving up one material possession after another. I can’t give up too much too quickly. Yet, if shit hits the fan, I don’t see myself having much lower to go. When you’re so low that nothing surprises or upsets you greatly, loss comes easier. You’re used to it.
In the end, what will really matter?
All I seem able to do is make the most of life’s experiences, take what comes my way with that grain of salt and refuse to compromise what’s right in my gut whenever possible…even if an army stands in my way.
I’m glad to hear that things are getting better. Sometimes reality just sucks and we’re stuck with making the best of it.
Indeed. Sometimes progress is like running in quicksand 😉