Once upon a time, the king of WhyDidMyKidsTurnOutToBeSuchAssholes (I suck at subtlety) had grown old and ill. He spent his days in his chamber alone, save for his nursemaid and his regular visits from his faithful squire. He knew that his son, Prince ThoughtlessPrick spent his days cavorting through the villages, gambling and seducing young maidens, while his daughter, Princess WorseThanAKardashian pursued her own vain and selfish pastimes.
The king was exceedingly wealthy, possessing more gold than any other king, largely because he had each one of his prized hunting dogs entirely encased in 24 karat gold after their death. (But Erin, you can’t dip a dead dog in gold!! It won’t work! Really? We’re trying to poke logic holes in this story?? Okay, admittedly I only bring this up because I made the mistake of saying to my husband last night, while watching Sharknado 2, “please! How are the sharks still alive if they are out of the water? They can’t breathe!” To which Steve, of course, replied, “are you really trying to poke holes in the plot of Sharknado 2?” Touche, Steve.)
Where was I? Oh, right, dying dad, shithead kids.
Tired of his children’s neglect and disrespect, the king summoned his barrister.
“Lady Barrister, I wish to change my last will and testament. It is my wish that my children receive none of my wealth. Instead, I wish all of my golden dogs to go to my loyal squire, ActuallyGaveTwoShitsAboutMe.”
“My Lord, are you certain that is your wish?” the barrister asked.
“I am. Even as I lie here dying, they care only for themselves. I only see them when they deplete their finances and come merely to insist I give them more coin. They deserve nothing and are unwilling to make their own way in the world. ActuallyGaveTwoShitsAboutMe has been a devoted friend, never asking anything in return.”
Satisfied by the king’s conviction, the barrister amended his last will and testament.
The king passed away within the fortnight (which, I guess, is like two weeks).
Prince ThoughtlessPrick and Princess WorseThanAKardashian immediately went to the castle following their father’s funeral in search of the gold dead dogs but were told by the guards that they had been bequeathed to the squire and that they were to receive nothing.
Enraged, the prince and princess engaged their own barrister to protest the change to their father’s will. And this barrister was a real dick.
On their behalf, Barrister I’mACompleteMoronButDon’tKnowIt wrote to the king’s barrister, threatening to bring the matter before the magistrate, claiming that the king was clearly mad and feeble-minded and only changed his will through the squire’s evil enticement. (i.e. lacked competence to execute the modification to estate documents and the squire exerted undue influence sufficient to overpower the will of the testator by exploiting his close, personal relationship with the king. Such bullshit.)
The king’s barrister responded, informing Barrister I’mACompleteMoronButDon’tKnowIt that the king’s nursemaid, who saw him daily, would attest to his sound mind, as would the knights she asked to be present to witness the king’s execution of the amended will. And that the squire knew nothing of the king’s intent to alter his bequest and was not present when the amendment was created, which Barrister I’mACompleteMoronButDon’tKnowIt should know is needed because to prove undue influence you have to show more than a close personal relationship giving one person influence over another – you have to show that the influence was brought to bear on the actual testamentary act and that the influencer overpowered the free will of the testator, dick! (The king’s barrister of course worded it with dignified professionalism and didn’t call him a dick. In the letter.)
Alas, the king’s awful children and Barrister I’mACompleteMoronButDon’tKnowIt insisted on bringing the entire matter before a magistrate. After much testimony from all subjects in the kingdom having personal knowledge of the matter, the honorable magistrate ruled that the amendment was valid and that the asshole children were entitled to nothing because YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOUR SHIT TO WHOEVER YOU EFFING WANT WITHOUT DICKHEADS SAYING YOU WERE CRAZY AFTER YOU’RE DEAD IN AN EFFORT TO GET YOUR MONEY!! (Sorry. I’m done.)
Then the magistrate threw the prince and princess in jail for being greedy, money-grubbing, evil bastards and disbarred Barrister I’mACompleteMoronButDon’tKnowIt for being a moron (because this is my damn fairy tale and I say that’s how it ends).