Home Improvement Blows.

So, we are trying to sell our house. This translates to “let’s do every little home improvement project we wanted to do for the last 10 years but were too lazy to do and continually procrastinated on so that we can turn around and sell our house and never enjoy all the freaking work we just put into it.” Or something like that. It also loosely translates to “the house was in fine shape until we put the damn thing on the market and now everything is falling apart.”

Case in point: paint. So, I may have sort of started painting half the house about eight years ago…and gotten bored part way through and stopped. And then I went to law school and did some other stuff that more legitimately justified my unfinished painting project for eight years running. Okay, so finish it, Stupid. Seems simple enough…but…I can’t remember the names of the paint colors from eight years ago and leftovers are nowhere to be found. So last weekend involved going to Kelly Moore and looking through 10-year-old paint swatches trying to remember if my dining room was Bohemian or Greystone. Because there are 87 goddamn shades of beige. SO fun. I finally remembered the dining room colors, but it wasn’t happening with the masterย bath so I just repainted that WHOLE thing back to its previous color. Yay!

Then, a few days ago, we awake at 6:30am to hear our daughter freaking out about ants. We go into her room and this is what we find:

Ant Problem

Okay. Well not exactly. Because my daughter is 15 and doesn’t really dress like that. Anyway, point being…we haven’t had a problem with ants in the house in YEARS. Put the son of a bitch on the market and voila – ants. So after 45 minutes with the vacuum and what became the “ant holocaust” – no more ants. You’re going to have to do better than that, House!

Then I’m in the service porch and I notice a missing piece of tile – a corner piece. Not chipped, not cracked, gone. My house is 27 years old! I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m not gonna be able to find a piece of matching tile! Does ANYONE know what happened to it? Of course not. No idea. Noticed it missing…but didn’t think to mention it. This is a 4″ x 1″ piece of ceramic tile. I firmly believe that if you knocked it off, you would have heard it fall. But noooooo…it was the leprechauns, apparently. Then I counted to 10 so that I wouldn’t grab the good vodka from liquor cabinet and run away from home.

Oh – and for some insane reason, when my 15-year-old was little, we didn’t stop her from sticking stickers on her bedroom door. I can’t explain it. I guess it was cute for a while. Well, she’s added over the last 10 years to the tune of about 500 stickers. you really could barely see the door through them. Yes, it would have been easier to just buy and paint a new door, but I was feeling particularly cheap last weekend so me and my OCD spent 3 hours peeling stickers off her bedroom door. She helped. I would like to thank Hello Kitty for making stickers that come off in one piece and leave no tacky residue behind. I would like to tell Zoo Books to go straight to Hell because their stickers are made with some kind of satanic glue that only a significant amount of paint thinner could cope with.

Sigh. Anyway, this is all still a work in progress. I won’t go into the back-breaking day we spent weeding and covering half the yard in bark. Next weekend I get to go to Home Depot like I’m on some shitty scavenger hunt looking for a single piece of archaic tile. Labor Day – shmaber day. I’m going to be working on the fucking house.

And how many people have come to see our beautiful home that is now looking the best it has in a decade??? TWO. In three weeks. TWO showings. And this, Kids, is why mommy drinks.

  25 comments for “Home Improvement Blows.

  1. A.PROMPTreply
    August 28, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    OMG. This is the funniest post ever. And I am so WITH YOU. We put our house on the market last year and all was well. I told the realtor when we listed it, “This house is perfect.” Evidently, a house is only perfect until it’s inspected by a professional. Have spent last 3 weeks making all sorts of “improvements” to bring it “up to code.” Right. The house is old. It’s obvious that the house is old. I myself actually consider that a selling point. Real wood beams in the floors, plastered walls not drywall, etc. I really don’t think anyone actually expects that it has modern gadgetry inside, you know? Also had to put in a bannister so that no misbehaving child would fall off the edge of the loft. However, said bannister is perfect height for a 4-year-old to use as a launching pad, but apparently this is fine. Whatever. It’s something to get through….just close your eyes, grit your teeth and try and ignore the insanity. And as my husband kept telling me, “It, doesn’t matter how many showings there are. It only takes one buyer.” Hang in there.

    • August 28, 2014 at 9:03 pm

      Yes, yes, yes! So true. It is funny though because with no one looking at it – it seems like all the work is for nothing. And I may strangle my children by the time this is over. 15 and 20 year olds don’t really get the concept of “clean” ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • A.PROMPTreply
        August 28, 2014 at 9:27 pm

        Oh tell me about 15 year olds. OMG. My son here doesn’t get the whole idea that MOVING means he actually has to MOVE and help with things (not sit mindlessly playing Minecraft!) I know exactly what you mean. We didn’t have many showings either. Seems like they all came at once when they did. We put our home on the market about this time last year and had a trickle of showings through the winter and then a little slew of them in spring and then BAM! I wasn’t actually ready when it happened…..not sure I’m ready yet!

      • August 28, 2014 at 9:31 pm

        Wow…I don’t know that I have the stamina to keep my house on the market for a year. I’m trying to figure out how much I’ll have to dial back my Halloween decorations if it doesn’t sell by October 1! That will be very inconvenient if I have to dial back the horror show ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Sally
    August 28, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    Oh God I nearly died laughing! Hang in there! Home projects are the worst because they never seem to have a definite end to them. Hopefully you’ll sell the house soon and be done with it before you lose your sanity ๐Ÿ˜

    • August 28, 2014 at 10:48 pm

      And this is only after 3 weeks…can you imagine if it takes months to sell? And you’re right…they don’t end. Well, some do, but then two more take its place.

  3. Danielle Wilt
    August 28, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    Well at least its not haunted!!

    • August 28, 2014 at 11:47 pm

      We’ve never had any issues so I’m pretty sure it was a poltergeist and it came *with* you ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. August 28, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    โ€œletโ€™s do every little home improvement project we wanted to do for the last 10 years but were too lazy to do and continually procrastinated on so that we can turn around and sell our house and never enjoy all the freaking work we just put into it.โ€

    I use the same method when cleaning for company.

    • August 28, 2014 at 11:58 pm

      Hahaha. I’m glad you understand.

  5. Rob the Realtor
    August 29, 2014 at 12:33 am

    Wow, this gave me a chuckle and a ๐Ÿ˜ฆ at the same time. (Bipolar much) Nevertheless, hopefully your situation improves. If I were in your town I’d bring over a bottle of wine (vodka or bourbon if that’s your thing). Good luck and just try to think happy thoughts.

    • August 29, 2014 at 10:28 pm

      Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚ Wanna hear about how I worked on filling grout lines till midnight last night? Yeah, me either ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. August 29, 2014 at 1:57 am

    Oh, that made me laugh!!! It is all so true!

    • August 29, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      The joys of home ownership =/

  7. August 30, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Why do we do it? Why do these things only become apparent when we look at them through someone else’s eyes. Why are our houses clean enough until company is coming or good enough until we want to sell? Do we all need a support group?

    • August 30, 2014 at 8:13 am

      Yes. A support group that meets at the bar.

  8. August 30, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Ants are attracted by beige.

    • September 2, 2014 at 3:45 am

      Useful information. I think people are under the misconception that ants are attracted to food.

      • September 2, 2014 at 9:47 pm

        Beige food really drives them nuts.

  9. September 3, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    I love the slutty outfit ant-woman is wearing.

    • September 3, 2014 at 7:55 pm

      Hahahaha. Yeah, like I said, not my 15-year-old ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. September 10, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    LMAO! If you wear glasses, don’t put them on if you are still trying to sell your house. You’ll find god-damn stickers everywhere!

    • September 10, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      Avoidance would be a good strategy…instead I just keep finding more shit around the house to fix…not that we have any potential buyers.

      • September 10, 2014 at 10:11 pm

        Oh…you’ve got buyers. They are called the deaf, dumb, and blind. And that is not a judgement call on deaf, dumb, and blind people. My brother is deaf, I am blind, (but don’t ask me how I am typing right now) we are both dumb and we still need a place to live. I think you’ll be alright.

      • September 10, 2014 at 10:15 pm

        Lol. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: