“Baby It’s Cold Outside” (aka “The Christmas Date-Rape Song”).

Because nothing says Merry Christmas like a little GHB. So this song is catchy and disconcerting at the same time. You’ve all heard it, right? It’s a duet between a girl making poor decisions and a guy who is apparently a follower of the philosophy that 50 “no’s” and a “yes” means “yes.” Let’s look at the lyrics:

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
I really can’t stay
(But baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (Yes, girl. Run.)
(But baby, it’s cold outside)

This evening has been
(Been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the fireplace roar)

So really I’d better scurry
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (Let the poor decision-making begin.)
(Put some records on while I pour)

The neighbors might think
(Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink? (DANGER, Will Robinson! Seriously?)
(No cabs to be had out there)

I wish I knew how
(Your eyes are like starlight now) (Undoubtedly from whatever you doped her with.)
To break this spell
(I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I ought to say no, no, no, sir (See what I mean? 50 no’s and a yes?)
(Mind if I move in closer?) (Creeper.)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried
(What’s the sense in hurting my pride?)

I really can’t stay
(Baby, don’t hold out) (Getting creepier.)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

I simply must go
(But baby, it’s cold outside)
The answer is no (Seriously. Is anyone keeping count?)
(But baby, it’s cold outside)

This welcome has been
(How lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and warm
(Look out the window at that storm)

My sister will be suspicious
(Gosh, your lips look delicious)
My brother will be there at the door
(Waves upon a tropical shore)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious
(Ooh, your lips are delicious)
But maybe just a cigarette more
(Never such a blizzard before)

I’ve got to get home
(But baby, you’ll freeze out there) (Translated to: if you don’t spend the night with me, you’ll die.)
Say, lend me your coat (I have a feeling he isn’t gonna lend you a coat.)
(It’s up to your knees out there) (See?)

You’ve really been grand
(I thrill when you touch my hand)
But don’t you see
(How can you do this thing to me?)

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
(Think of my life long sorrow) (Wow. Guilt trip much?)
At least there will be plenty implied
(If you caught pneumonia and died) (Once more, sleep with me or die.)

I really can’t stay
(Get over that old doubt)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

Yeah. Cheery little Christmas ditty. So what have we learned? (Aside from how creepy men in the 50’s were.)

Even at Christmastime, apparently. So have fun singing along with this song in the future and good luck not focusing on the fact that this guy kinda needs his ass kicked.

And to all a good night.