Well, mini breakdown.
So, here’s the thing. In the beginning, everyone expects you to be a mess.
Then, a few months later, everyone understands when you’re a mess.
But nine months in – people seem a little caught off guard when you’re a mess.
So, by nine months, you’ve got this internalization thing going where you save most of your tears for bedtime and you’ve mastered having quiet, undetectable mini meltdowns.
And it’s all well and good except that with all this internalization comes detachment. You wind up feeling removed, distant, isolated (and a fan of synonyms, apparently). You feel less and care less because you’re watching everything from a distance.
I have a problem with this because I typically care about freaking everything. What people think. How people feel.
But now? Meh.
But I’m sure it’s just a phase and I’ll get back to my normal, overly-excitable, impassioned self. Eventually.
But for now – I’m Pluto. Downgraded, distant and disenfranchised.
Anyone else think it’s interesting that Pluto has a big ol’ heart on it? Makes you feel kinda bad for downgrading it to a dwarf planet, huh? Because Planet Dwarfism is no laughing matter. Icy Dwarf Planets need love too.
I do find it interesting and agree, Icy Dwarf Planets need love too.. and so do you, always. Nine months, and nine years out.
I love you and will nine days, nine months, nine years, how about until we’re good and gone too…
Thanks, honey 🙂 And yes, I need love *especially* when I’m an icy dwarf planet.
I’ve been off for a bit on here and just found this….so am sorry for the late reply.
Just want to say, I’m not thrown at all. You’re experiencing probably the biggest, hardest, ugliest saga of your life right now and I say experiencing because it’s active. I hope it’s the only horror you ever have to deal with and I’m sorry as heck you have to deal with this one. You know and I know it’s never going to be non-active. It’s a matter of adjusting to carrying this with you from here on out. Meltdowns totally acceptable. Missing her definitely going to happen. But the important part is that you will adjust to this and you will find ways to know she’s still in you and with you from here on out. You had her a lot longer than some people. You had her less than others. But the important part is you had her at all and more importantly you must know she’d never willingly leave you….she was taken. But even in that…you know, she’s still there and still loving you and still very much who you are. Hang in there with things and don’t be too hard on yourself. Every day is one more step to a better adjustment and every step toward adjustment is just one more way of showing how much your mother’s daughter you are.
Thank you. And your comments are always appreciated whenever you can 😉
Generally speaking, the numbness lasts about six months, then the reality sets in with the attendant grief. We all grieve differently. You sound like you’re processing (I hate that word) normally. Unfortunately it’s such an ugly time for all of us that we don’t remember what we went through. And our friends/family really want us to feel better, so they try to rush the process. Just follow your heart.