From Hell’s Heart, I Stab at Thee…Fed Loan Servicing.

Khan I would like to claim I knew that line was from Moby Dick…but I just knew it from Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. But, in my defense, The Wrath of Khan was way better than Moby Dick.

But that’s beside the point. My current source of wrath is my law school student loans.

It could be that they are more than six figures.

It could be that I’m paying over 7% interest on them. (Thanks, Government! We love your commitment to higher learning! Even though my student loan interest rate is nearly double my mortgage interest rate, you assholes.)

But, truly, the current source of my fury is the Morlocks working for Fed Loan Servicing.

So, here’s the thing.

I signed up for automatic withdrawal for my student loans (so I could save that *amazing* 1/4% interest rate!). They say “keep making your payments – it could take a couple of months for this to get set up. We’ll let you know.” Total lies. They do NOT let you know.

Consequently, I made my NINE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLAR student loan payment on MAY 29. But guess what?? They set up my automatic withdrawal (without telling me!) and so on JUNE 4 (6 DAYS LATER), they took ANOTHER $935. Seriously. Six days later. Oopsie. Bastards.

So, I called. They said “Sorry.” Then they said, “How about we credit this toward July?” Grrr, but ok.

Then I got a notice from Fed Loan Servicing saying, “Your next automatic withdrawal will be July 4.” What? You’re supposed to skip a month.

So I called. They said “Sorry.” Then they said, “No really; we really have it set NOT to take another $935 for July.” Okay. Dubious, but I’ll take the leap of faith.

Then I got a bill saying, “No automatic withdrawal this month so be sure to make your payment!” No. It can’t be. How many Fed Loan Servicing agents does it take to screw up one correction? Turns out, one more than I had talked to.

So I checked my online account.


Rage. White-hot, blinding, whiskey-drinking, rage. I shit you not. They never bothered to apply that extra payment forward – they just suspended the automatic payment for a month.

So I called. They said “Sorry.”

I said, “From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!” Okay. Not really. But I did tell him they were making me crazy. In a very sarcastic, hopefully day-ruining, tone of voice.


In case I stumped you on the “Morlocks” thing – I direct you to a photo of the night-dwelling, cannibalistic Morlocks from the 1960 classic, “The Time Machine.” Morlocks And now your life is complete.

  10 comments for “From Hell’s Heart, I Stab at Thee…Fed Loan Servicing.

  1. Geraint Isitt
    July 10, 2015 at 12:18 am

    Moby Dick, Wrath of Khan, Morlocks! Despite the shitty topic, this might be the best blog post ever. EVER. They are, of course, making an updated version of Moby Dick with Liam Hemsworth. Perhaps that might change your mind on it. Or perhaps not. Wrath of Khan was my favourite of the original films.

    • July 10, 2015 at 7:40 am

      It is definitely the best of the originals. And I can’t say I’ve ever seen a movie version of Moby Dick… Just suffered through the novel (great American literature, my ass).

      • Geraint Isitt
        July 12, 2015 at 1:45 am

        Well, I try to avoid what people call the classics because I’m probably just not that classical. Or classy. And I don’t read anything on Oprah’s book club either.

  2. A.PROMPTreply
    July 10, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Good Lord. What a total cock up. Sometimes, you have to wonder….maybe it would be better if the computers took over…humans certainly don’t seem to know how to make them function in the appropriate ways!

    • July 10, 2015 at 3:28 pm

      Not at all! And even most computer error starts as human error 😉

  3. July 11, 2015 at 7:55 am

    In the immortal words of a former president, “I feel your pain.” (Of course that’s not all that president “felt up” while he was in office) I digress though…..

    I have two servicers for my loans. One for law school and one for my undergrad loans (yeah….still paying those off too). Since it’s nearly impossible for me to afford both a house and my education, I’m on the income based repayment plan. I do it for both my law school and undergrad loans. Well my undergrad servicer guaranteed me that they wouldn’t take out my full payment only my income based repayment during the time I had to reapply for it. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. They took out four times the amount I was expecting them to do. When I called them, they gave me this sorry “well…nothing we can do.” I explained to her that I worked in customer service/business for nearly my entire adult life. I told her “let me let you in on a little secret. There’s ALWAYS something you can do.” She just kept parroting *squawk* “nothing we can do” *squawk*. Beyond frustrating! Just think, these are going to be the same people handling our health care pretty soon too!

    On a positive note… the reference to one of the greatest movies ever. (Sad about its film score composer, the late great James Horner passing away recently. Guy was a genius and that soundtrack was amazing) Anyhow, I do feel your pain on this. Those servicers make me want to scream over the phone “Khhhhaaaaaaannn!!”

    • July 11, 2015 at 8:14 am

      Hahahahaha. It really is amazing. The real lesson is, once the government has your money, they are sure as hell doing to keep it! Pretty sure “refund” is not in their vocabulary!

  4. July 11, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    1. you made my day with the Morlocks and Star Trek – Wrath of Khan reference!!!! 2. I know exactly how you feel and wish I could help. I am currently on the 10 ye plan and struggle to make the payment with my current pay level but I can not honestly let myself pay triple the interest and extend for an extra 20 years

    • July 11, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      I hear you. First $100,000 I make from being a writer is going to pay off the expense of being a lawyer 😉 Come on, best seller!

      • July 11, 2015 at 7:21 pm

        ha ha ha! fingers crossed for you! I told my husband that the first check I receive when I eventually get published is to pay off my debt. I wish I could blow it on some vacation!

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